Slay dragons: Why men should marry young

There’s a restlessness that hits a man in his mid-20s when he’s living for himself. It’s that Sunday afternoon realization that while you have the freedom to go anywhere and do anything, “anywhere” feels a bit empty and “anything” feels a bit aimless.

The culture tells us that this is the peak of our lives — that we should guard our independence like a dragon guards gold. But what if that gold is actually meant to be spent?

Today, the average age for a man to marry has climbed to 31. We’re told to wait until we’ve “found ourselves,” traveled the world, and reached a certain tax bracket. But as someone who married at 24 and is now a father of three at 28, I’ve realized something the world gets wrong: Marriage isn’t the finish line you cross once you’ve lived your life; for many of us, it’s the spark that finally makes life make sense.

Chasing shadows vs. finding the substance

We spend our 20s chasing a lot of lesser things: the perfect career milestone, the next adrenaline-filled trip, or the thrill of a new relationship that never quite settles. These things aren’t bad, but they are shadows of what we’re actually looking for.

We’re looking for a place to belong. We’re looking for a mission that matters more than our own comfort.

When you marry young, you stop chasing the shadow of fulfillment and start holding the substance. My wife isn’t just a partner; she is my home. Having a spouse to bear your soul to and build a daily life with provides a sense of peace that no promotion or solo backpacking trip can touch. It turns out that the “freedom” we’re told to protect is often just a fancy word for being alone. Marriage replaces that hollow independence with a deep, grounded purpose.

The myth of the perfect time

I hear from so many guys who are in great relationships but are “waiting for the right time” to definitively commit. Maybe they want a bigger savings account, to buy a house, or they’re worried about the divorce rates they saw growing up. I get it; my own parents were divorced, and that weight can make you hesitate.

But here’s the truth: You don’t build a house by waiting for the weather to be perfect for 10 years; you build it by laying the first stone.

Marrying young is an act of defiance against the “what if” culture. It’s slaying the dragon of your own anxiety and deciding that you are going to be the one to start a new, healthy chapter. When you dive into the deep end of commitment, you aren’t losing your 20s; you’re investing them in something that will actually grow. You’re trading the fleeting excitement of a dozen different directions for the steady, roaring fire of a single, shared path.

Forged in the trenches

There is a unique, irreplaceable intimacy that comes from being in the trenches together before you’ve made it. When you marry in your late 30s, you often come to the table with your habits already set, your furniture already bought, and your lifestyle already established. But when you marry young, you grow up together. You learn how to navigate a tight budget, how to furnish a first apartment on a prayer, and how to support one another through those early career pivots.

It’s okay to struggle together and deeply meaningful to cling to one another in these moments. Because you are still being formed as individuals, you have the rare opportunity to be formed by one another. Those years of figuring it out create a shared shorthand and a bone-deep resilience that become the core of your love story together.

Participating in the eternal

There is a profound transcendence in the mundane moments of family life. Yes, there are diaper changes and trash to take out and the weight of responsibility. But in those moments, you are doing something most of the world has forgotten how to do: You are building a legacy.

We are more than our resumes. We are part of a long chain of men who chose to give themselves away so that the next generation could stand on their shoulders. When you look at your children, you aren’t just looking at more work — you’re looking at a piece of eternity. By choosing the stability of family life early on, you aren’t settling for a boring life, but choosing to be the architect of a sanctuary. This is a life of high stakes and even higher rewards — a home where beauty, order, and charity actually have a place to grow, and where you find your soul by giving it to the people who need you most.

Building your foundation this week

If you’re feeling the pull toward something deeper, here is how to start moving toward that fulfillment today:

• Stop waiting and start preparing: If you’re in a relationship with a woman you love, stop asking “When is the right time?” and start asking “What are we waiting for?” If you’re waiting for a feeling of 100% certainty or a specific bank balance, you might be waiting forever. To be sure, finding the right person is critical and you shouldn’t settle for someone who’s incompatible just because you want to get married. However, if you’ve been in a time-tested relationship with a great person — trust the mission more than the timing.
• Not in a relationship? Start dating with intention: There’s a big difference between dating to get married and dating to date. If you’re not in a relationship, start seeking out opportunities to meet women in self-giving contexts. Young adult groups, service work, and church groups are great opportunities to meet people who are already thinking beyond themselves. If you’re interested in trying an online dating service, seek out one that promotes commitment like CatholicMatch or SacredSpark.
• Start a stability ritual: Strong families are built on small habits. Start one today: a Sunday morning walk, a tech-free hour in the evening, or a specific prayer intention. This is the training ground for the leadership your future family will need.
• Seek out legacy men: Find a man in your community who has been married for 20+ years and actually seems happy. Ask him what his 20s looked like. You’ll likely find that his greatest joys didn’t come from the things he did for himself, but the ways he’s committed to building a family.
• Reframing your why: Take 10 minutes tonight to write down what you want your life to look like at age 60. Most of us don’t dream of a solo apartment and a sports car; we dream of sitting with our wives at a table full of kids and grandkids, giving thanks for the life we’ve built. If that’s your goal, why wait until you’re 37 to start building it? Time is ticking, not in a way that should cause panic, but in a way that should spark purpose. If you’ve found a woman who wants to build this with you, realize that your shared ‘prime’ years are a finite, beautiful resource. Why spend them waiting? 

The view from the table

One day, the hustle of our 20s will be a distant memory. The “freedom” we once guarded will seem small compared to the richness of a life lived for others. By diving in now, you’re ensuring that when you look back, you won’t see a string of “maybes” and “almosts.” You’ll see a dynasty.

Reclaim your identity as a builder. Don’t just pass through your 20s — use them to plant the garden you want to enjoy for the rest of your life.