Getting diagnosed with cancer is a life-changing event, not only for the person facing the diagnosis but also for their family and friends. In the wake of my cancer diagnosis, I found myself buoyed by an outpouring of tangible and emotional support from loved ones. Here are five responses to my diagnosis that made all the difference for me.

When in doubt, choose empathy

You can say: “I’m so sorry, this must feel incredibly overwhelming. You are so strong. I’m here for you.”

Finding the right words to say to a suffering friend may feel stressful – and that’s okay. Empathy is less about what you say and more about creating a space where your friend feels encircled with care. Researcher Dr. Brené Brown has wonderful tips for leading with empathy in this video. “Because the truth is, rarely can a response make something better,” she says. “What makes something better is connection.”

Specific offers of support

You can say: “I am going to the grocery store later this week. Send me your list, and I’ll drop it off for you.” 

There is something wonderful about a person who is attuned to the needs of others. It might be offering to drop off dinner on the day of a late doctor’s appointment or pick up kids for a Saturday morning playdate so your friend can have a quiet morning with his or her spouse. After my mom’s breast cancer diagnosis, her best friend hired a housekeeper to visit regularly! These specific and tangible offers of support are exactly what a friend with cancer needs. 

Offering to help a friend is an incredible act of generosity. How the help is offered, however, makes a big difference in their comfort and ability to receive your support. Answering a message that says “let me know how I can help” takes a lot of mental energy and may cause some anxiety if your friend doesn’t know exactly what you’re willing to help with. Answering a message that says, “I’d like to bring you dinner next week. What day works best?” is much easier. It takes the burden off your friend for coming up with the idea, and she can easily choose how to accept your support. 

If you don’t know what they need, just ask! You might say, “I really want to support you during your path to healing, but honestly don’t know where to start. Would you like a meal train or help with childcare? Do you need me to bring you to appointments? No ask for help is too big.” 

United in prayer

You can say: “I just said a prayer for you. Is there a specific intention I can bring to prayer for you tomorrow?”

Prayer is the most important thing you can do for a friend suffering from cancer. And instead of saying that you will pray for them, it is especially powerful to spend time in prayer for them and let them know that you were just thinking of them. It is also incredibly beneficial to know how to pray for them at that moment. Bringing everything to Our Lord on their behalf, even the nitty gritty specifics of bloodwork results or praying for their surgeon by name, is a great gift to them. They will be bolstered by your intercessory prayer and care for the smallest details of their cancer journey. 

A beautiful way that my community supported me was by praying a novena leading up to my surgery. My friend sent an email with a prayer for the day and a saint to intercede on my behalf, and across the country, people were united in prayer for me and my surgery team. 

Stay the course

You can say: “It’s been six months since your diagnosis, I’d like to hear how you’re doing. Would you like to go get coffee one day next week?”

When a person is initially diagnosed with cancer, there is a flurry of prayers, well wishes, and offers of support. At the onset, they may not know the type of support they will need and might feel overwhelmed with attention and offers of generosity. As the months go on, it is important to remember that they are still on their journey to healing, and the best thing a friend can do is to stay the course. Setting calendar alerts every few weeks is a helpful reminder to check in with a friend – and your offer of help may be timelier as the meal trains have ended. 

I will never forget when a friend sent me a card on the anniversary of my diagnosis. She wrote a letter and included a gift card to my favorite coffee shop. I was so moved by the intentionality she took to honor the anniversary with me. She truly stayed the course. 

Live in hope 

You can say: “It might be difficult to see past this season of sickness, but let me know if you want to plan something to look forward to in the future. We can look forward to it together!” 

Placing our hope in God is paramount when facing suffering. A good friend can speak words of hope into the heart of another and encourage them to cast their anxieties on the Lord. 

The book of Isaiah says: 

“They that hope in the Lord will renew their strength,

they will soar on eagles’ wings;

They will run and not grow weary,

walk and not grow faint.” 

If your friend seems ready to dream, then dream together! Friends cheered me on as I ran a half-marathon after I was cancer-free. My mom and her best friend decided they would go on a trip to Australia when she was in remission for breast cancer, and they did! 

Walking with a suffering friend is an act of charity that will not be forgotten. I will always remember the friends that God used to show me His great kindness amidst my suffering. And just like them, you can be an icon of His love to a friend in need.