How to talk with your high school junior about college

The college search is an exciting yet daunting time for parent and child alike. Junior year is often cited as the most important year academically, but it is also a crucial year for personal growth and discernment. Conversations between you and your high schooler can shape your student’s sense of ownership over the college application process, as well as their attitude and confidence. There is no one-size-fits-all solution to the college discernment process, but here are a few key themes to keep in mind as you embark on the search!

Start with curiosity

No one knows the future, and no amount of pressure or control can force an ideal vision to come together. Some families may already agree on many details of the college choice process, while others may be at odds. In either situation, this is a key time to respect your child’s autonomy while still maintaining a close and supportive relationship. For parents, this often means approaching the situation with open-minded curiosity — both toward colleges and toward your high schooler. Start with thoughtful, low-pressure questions that allow your junior to articulate their own thoughts. Listen more than you talk and resist the impulse to “correct” their ideas. Curiosity builds trust, and that foundation of your relationship is crucial as they leave the nest to begin their own adventure. When visiting college campuses together, a posture of curiosity can help you explore the new opportunity alongside your student rather than imposing your own ideas and coloring their experience.

Low-pressure questions to begin the conversation:

How are you feeling about the college process? What kind of information do you think you need more of, and how can we help you get it?

Do you have any ideas yet of what sort of college experience you might like? Do you lean toward classes that emphasize intellectual formation or practical career skills?

How important are clubs, sports, and extracurriculars to your happiness? What elements of your lifestyle right now would you like to see in your college experience?

Are there any questions about your options after high school that I can help answer?

Find your fit

When I speak with students about their college interests, I often hear that they want to go to a “good school.” To that, I respond that the college search is about finding your right “fit.” A “good school” can be highly relative. What you are looking for is an academic pace that appropriately challenges you, a social setting that gives you room to grow, and a price point that fits with your circumstances and career ambitions. When evaluating a school for fit, nothing can replace an in-person visit. If at all possible, visit the school while classes are in session and shadow a current student. Open house events are great for parents and students to attend together, but in order for the student to get a real sense of what that college experience might be like, they need to walk the walk alongside a current student.

When visiting a college, you can ask your student: “Did you feel like you could be friends with the students you met?” or “What was your experience of that classroom environment? Does it fit with your learning style?”

Stay on the same team

It is important to communicate early in the college application journey that this process is not an evaluation of your students’ self-worth or value. Many high schoolers can feel undue pressure that their standardized test scores are a reflection of their innate intelligence, and their college acceptance stats will determine the future value they contribute to society. Neither could be farther from the truth! 

Be sure to verbalize this with your student, even if it seems redundant. Knowing that they have mom and dad’s support will help give your junior courage and confidence that is sure to shine through in their applications and interviews. The college search and application process can be long and tedious, so consider setting aside a brief time each week to check-in on the process lest the topic monopolize your relationship with your child. During junior year, once or twice a month is often enough. As application season begins in the late summer and fall of senior year you should touch base once a week to stay in sync about deadlines and any changes in strategies.

Normalize uncertainty

Lastly, for high school juniors, it is perfectly normal not to have a very clear idea of their college plan yet. Junior year is a time to explore possibilities, not to whittle down dreams. As they visit colleges, speak with admissions reps and research different career paths. Their ideas will begin to come together. 

By the end of their junior year, they should aim to have a list of 5-7 schools that they are interested in applying to and can conceivably see themself attending. In senior year, when admissions results start rolling in and financial aid packages are offered, you both will have the data you need to look pragmatically at the options and make a forward moving decision. 

Remind your student that it is okay if it takes time for them to figure out their fit. Yes, it would be simpler if they had a laser-focused goal, but high schoolers need breathing room to grow into the person they were made to be. Some students have a more decisive temperament, while others are slower to commit, so resist the temptation to compare your student with others or seek closure for its own sake. Trust the process. An open and communicative relationship with your student is your most valuable asset for the college search, and for the years to come!