How my friends helped in grief
Published on January 19, 2025

While we can all acknowledge that the loss of a loved one brings about intense grief, there is a specific suffering for those who have to sit on the peripheries and watch while their friend enters Calvary.
“We sometimes feel more troubled and preoccupied by the suffering of a friend or a child than by our own suffering. In itself, this may be fine and good, but it must never become an occasion for despair… our distress is legitimate, but we must remain peaceful.” (Searching for and Maintaining Peace, Father Jacques Philippe)
To put your mind at ease, nothing you can say or do will completely take away your friend’s pain. Your first, humble step is to entrust your friend to our Blessed Mother for safekeeping.
But there are ways where you can offer a small consolation, a breath of fresh air, and a voice to calm the creeping despair. As your friend bears the Cross, you can support their burden like Simon of Cyrene.
On August 31, 2024, my fiancé unexpectedly died one month before our wedding. Although there were no words from my family or friends that took away the pain, there were moments when God spoke to me through others.
In my experience of grief, these four gifts had a genuine impact. Perhaps these are ways by which you can show love to your friend, too.

1. Be persistent. Reach out.
This gift is low effort and high reward. Be intentional in reaching out to your friend. Persist in letting her know that you are thinking about her or praying for her. Don’t assume that others do this for your friend. Everybody may think the same thing, which will inevitably leave your friend forgotten.
Create a reminder on your phone to send a text once each week or even every day. You can simply say “I’m praying for you.” “My heart is aching for you today.” “Thinking of you.” “I miss him today.” “I remember when…”
Make these statements, not questions. Questions made me feel like someone needed or wanted something from me. Sometimes it’s nice just to receive.
Do this for a long time. As the weeks and months pass after the loss, it is natural for people to move on, but for your friend who carries this loss, the pain remains very present. Persist.

2. Write a letter.
Carve out an hour, grab paper and pen, sit down, and write from your heart. Make your writing a prayer. I crave handwritten letters and am profoundly consoled when I receive one from a friend or stranger.
The letters that impacted me the most shared how my fiancé impacted the sender’s life, how they are praying for me, or how pained they are for my loss. A letter is something to hold onto. It feels real and permanent in a time when nothing feels real or permanent.
Write from your heart. If the letter is very short, that’s okay. If the letter is a mile long, that’s okay, too.
Invite the Holy Spirit into the moment when you sit down to write: Lord, let me write with Your words. Inspire my mind. Let these words offer my friend a moment of consolation. Only You can offer true healing. Help me to love my friend well.

3. Bake granola.
Drop off an easy snack at your friend’s front door, join the meal train (if there isn’t a meal train set up, do that right now), or send them a DoorDash gift card. The goal is to make food the one thing your friend doesn’t have to worry about.
A few days after my fiancé died, a friend at church dropped off some granola and almond milk in my pew after Mass. At this point in my story, I could hardly stomach food but, I must say, this granola hit the spot. For a week, granola was my main source of nutrition. It was the simplest of gestures, but this act of kindness has stayed with me all these months.
So many people, friends and strangers, delivered meals and sent gift cards. Their thoughtfulness and generosity deeply impacted me. These friends and strangers cared enough to spend their time, money, and energy to comfort me.

4. Ask thoughtful questions and listen.
When you meet up with your grieving friend or call them on the phone, avoid jumping to the habitual question: “So, how are you doing?” Also, avoid entirely skirting around the subject of your friend’s grief. Prepare yourself with some questions that have a more tangible response.
These are questions that work for me: “What were you up to today?” or “Will you tell me the story of how you and your fiancé met?” or “How has prayer changed for you since he died?”
I like these questions because there is a clear response that doesn’t require much mental debate before responding. With these questions, I am also given the opportunity to share the things that matter most.
My friends console me simply by being curious and listening to what I have to share. They ask about my fiancé’s life, specific aspects of our relationship, what it was like on that day, what grief looks like in my life, or how my faith has developed. My life has profoundly changed, and I don’t want to ignore my experience of grief.

Are you asking yourself, am I close enough to do any of these things? You would be surprised how much life changes when one experiences loss. Yesterday you were strangers, today, you’re acting as Simon of Cyrene. In my experience, I would prefer somebody to say or do something rather than to pretend everything is normal, regardless of how well I know them.
Ultimately, the greatest encouragement we need in grief is to throw ourselves at the foot of the Cross. For Catholics, we need to visit the Blessed Sacrament (daily) in prayer, receive the Eucharist at Mass, and frequent Confession more than we did before.
All Christians need to beg Christ not to leave us empty. Like the empty vessels at the wedding at Cana, we will not be left empty. The Blessed Mother sees our emptiness, shows us to her Son, and He fills us with the choice wine from heaven.
If you have also experienced the death of a loved one, please share in the comments how your community showed up for you.
Nice piece!
Sarah, I suspect I’m not typical of your intended audience – I’m a 77-year old widower – but your article really touched me.
It’s nearly three years since my wife of 53 years died, and although I think I’ve adjusted well there still are tearful moments. Sometimes it’s a happy memory before her body betrayed her and stole her ability to walk that triggers tears. Other times it’s a painful memory after Alzheimer’s had caused her to no longer recognize me as her husband, only as her caregiver. We shared a true love, and together we built a very good life with our two daughters. God truly blessed us!
About my community: After my wife’s death a few friends delivered food; many sent cards; a couple even called to ask how I was doing. Our pastor, who was caring at the funeral, didn’t call or check on me afterwards. Both daughters and sons-in-law have always been very close – one pair live nearby – and both they and their families are loving and continue to be a great support.
Since my wife’s death, I’m overly sensitive: Tears are inevitable whenever I see – or read about or am reminded of – someone who has experienced a loss, even a person I don’t know. (Tears ran down my face as I read your story, Sarah.) My heart hurts for you, and I’ve added you to my morning prayers.
Over the years our merciful God drew me closer and closer as I learned to depend on Him for the increased strength – both mental and physical – to care for my wife, and He always gave what I needed. Through it all He has brought a greater good: He led me to the Catholic Church, which has helped me to become a better Christian and a better man; my prayer life is better than ever. I’m beyond grateful to Him! (I’m so happy, too, that my daughter and son-in-law who live near me are now Catholic!)
It’s my hope that everyone who reads your beautiful article will remember your advice and will use it when ti support one who’s grieving. God bless you, Sarah!
Charles,
May God continue to bless you and congratulations on your newfound faith! Blessings to you!
May God continue to help you in your grieving process. One thing that helps me is to ask Jesus to cover me with His Precious Blood to guide and love me. Also, I asked Our loving Mother Mary to cover her mantle and to be with during this difficult time! Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.
Thank you for sharing your beautiful stories. Both of them touched my heart and brought tears. Losing a loved one leaves a huge hole in your heart. It has taken years to heal that hurt. May God bless you all and may your loved one rest in God’s eternal peace.
Charles, thank you for sharing your story. Your gratitude for all that the Lord has given you shines through in your writing. Thank you for your prayers, and please know that you are also in mine. God bless you!
Sarah, I lost my husband. Paul, suddenly, a little over 3 years ago. I think until a person goes through it, they cannot understand the grief but that doesn’t mean they cannot comfort you. My neighbor, who was with Paul when he died, made a point of calling and inviting me to dinner at his home. He also checked in on me and shoveled my property when it snowed that first winter. I can’t tell you how wonderful it was to not have to worry about that.
My aunt who had lost her husband suddenly and lives in western Canada, made a point of calling occasionally to see how I was doing and to talk about Paul. Some people feel like bringing your loved ones name up in conversation will make you remember and feel worse but the fact is that you think of that person everyday and it is nice to know that others still think of him occasionally.
Like Charles, my pastor did not call or check on me afterwards. He didn’t bring Paul up when I would greet him at church. My daughter was going to a smaller church so I started going there and found the pastor and congregation to be warmer and more concerned. Leaning on my faith was a big help. I don’t think I would have done as well without prayer.
Five months after Paul passed, a woman I worked with lost her husband. I reached out to her and we became quite close and still are. Working in a restaurant, we were both night owls. We had an understanding that we could text (sometimes at 1:00 a.m.) on the way home from a shift, “Are you still up?”, and that would mean that we needed to talk and/or cry. Neither one of us wanted to join a group for grieving but having someone who understands what you’re going through is priceless.
I think God sends certain people into our lives at just the right time, it’s his way of taking care of us.
Your friend from work sounds like a well-timed gift from our Lord. I deeply believe that God can reveal His love for us through others. Thank you for sharing, Doreen! God bless.
When my beloved husband was diagnosed with cancer 12 years ago, another member of our church choir told me to lean on her, because she had lost her husband some years before, also to cancer. She has been a close friend ever since, and we were roommates when our choir went to Ireland. When one of our nuns (the one I was always afraid of, who had been the school principal for our kids) asked me how I was doing, I just asked her to pray for Wes to make it to heaven, and she told me in her Irish accent, “If he’s not in heaven, God help the rest of us!” I had a lot of support from our parish, and especially from our 6 children, 5 sons-in-law, and now 24 grandchildren. I have never stopped grieving, but I am healing; a Beginning Experience Weekend also helped me continue healing and gave me many new friends, all of whom understand loss and grief. And reaching out to other friends who have since lost their husbands or wives, has enabled me to be a helper as well as someone who still needs understanding and prayer.
Vicki! How beautiful… I’m sure willing to pray for you!
“I have never stopped grieving, but I am healing.” I needed to hear this.
Your friend from church who also experienced loss makes me think that encountering life’s trials and suffering can give us a greater capacity to love the people around us. It can open our eyes to the suffering of others!
God bless you, Vicki!
Absolutely every trial and suffering we endure should make us better people so we can be better people to others; as you said increase our capacity to love and be more compassionate to those around us.
This is an outstanding article. You are such a gift. Thanks for sharing your heart ❤️
Our parish family offered multiple Masses in memory of our grandson who passed away at 10 weeks old.
We received many cards and verbal offers of sympathy. We were held up by prayer
I also appreciated all of the Masses offered by my parish community. That was such a beautiful gift to receive.
Thank you for sharing your precious thoughts on your recent loss. My heart goes out to you. I was engaged over 50 years ago to the most perfect woman . I loved her so much. Eventually she changed her mind and l was so devastated that l didn’t think l could survive the pain. God help me to go on with my life, l learned to live with the pain, and knew God was with me, teaching me, and helping me. To this day l still feel love for her , and l know she went on to have a happy and fulfilling life. I ended up having a career as a social worker for over 40 years, l felt the pain that l had to go through, had helped me to understand people’s pain and suffering. I eventually met the woman that l married, and we have had a wonderful life together. God’s plan may have been different than what l thought, but it worked out fine. Thank you again for sharing your article, l believe it has a lot of wisdom, and will help many people, me being one. My finale thought is that what l also think helped me keep going was saying the rosary everyday.
Michael, this sounds so painful and I’m very grateful you shared. I sent your story to a friend whose family member is currently going through a similar situation.
God’s plan is perfect. Learning how to surrender to it has a learning curve. He is so worthy of trust!
Thank you Sarah, God bless you,
My cousin’s son died in a motorcycle wreck 20 years ago. I always encouraged her to talk about it – l knew the grief would never leave her. I still bring it up, because l know she is always thinking about him. Also, l send her roses every year on her son’s birthday, and the day of his death.
I found when I lost my husband of 54 years in 2019 that I also lost friends. I found that people are so afraid of saying or doing the wrong thing that they do nothing and pull away.
Mary, That’s so so kind of you. I moved here about 2 years ago, my daughter was an adult and lived in another state so we’re not well know to anyone. And when she suddenly passed away, no one seems to care even my own siblings. Even when I tell people that I have met at church, they’re sad for a second but forget immediately. They don’t know the grief thank God, but wow it’s lonely. My ex-husband’s wife has reached out more than hardly anyone else, isn’t that unexpected? It’ll be a year in March, the worst year of my life. I appreciate what you’re doing for your cousin so much, it makes me feel better.
I am so sorry for the loss of your daughter. If you could give me advise on how to speak to friends who have lost a child I would greatly appreciate it. All these souls are in my prayers and I have had Masses said for them but quite honestly I cry just thinking of such a loss. When seeing these family and friends for the first time after the loss I have said ” I know there is nothing I can say to comfort you as I cannot imagine such a loss. I keep you all in my daily prayers and am here for you always”. When seeing them after the initial loss I am at a loss except to hug them and ask if we could get together soon.
Thank you
The Loss of a Child
There’s nothing in this world so tragic as to lose a child…
This leaves behind a lasting grief that can’t be reconciled.
For when you lose a child, you also lose a future planned…
The hopes and dreams and moments that a lifetime should have spanned.
You’ll cherish all the memories, and mourn a life cut short…you’ll never quite recover, despite much care and support…
In time life will go on, only because you really tried…although you’ll know that with your child, a part of you, too, died.
Sometimes in our deep suffering we might even blame God…but then we need to step back, see this reasoning is flawed.
For God knows how you’re feeling, He’s right there alongside you…
He knows your pain and anguish because He lost His child, too!
Ironically it’s His great loss that’s truly our great win…because of His Son’s sacrifice, you’ll see your child again!
And until then, remember, when you’re reeling, at your worst…your child is safely in God’s arms and
was His child first!
Beth, My sister lost her 7-year-old to the flu on 2-5-2007. 18 years ago. My sister still says that the most comfort she receives is to know that her dear Sara Jane is not forgotten. I try to mention her daughter when memories come but I can do better with that. My sister says she just wants to know that her daughter was loved and made at least a little impact on the lives of those she touched in her few short years. I would say to ask and listen to their stories about their child, mention little things you remember or have heard, send a picture as a reminder about an event that happened. I suspect the parents you know just want to know that they are not the only ones who remember their child.
May Our Blessed Mother become extra close to you, Pearl
This is so heartbreaking and hopefully a reminder to all of us to be mindful not to repeat this on our grieving friends.
Dear Marilynn, I’m so sorry to hear how alone your friends left you in your grief. Please consider the countless “invisible friends” which we as Catholics, thank God, know we are surrounded by. I’ll pray they reach out to you, let you feel their presence and their reality, and you find yourself forming some new friendships of this incredible, invisible kind. Especially Our Blessed Mother… no one knew grief like hers… and no one knows how to comfort like she does. God bless you and may He let you feel your husband’s nearness. I’ll pray for him too.
Wonderful article, Sarah, and the several lengthy comments. I lost my wife of just 3 weeks shy of 50 years, seven weeks ago…the grief is just crushing, but several neighbors and many at our Parish have been wonderful in their ongoing support. Our Parish has a well-established grief ministry that meets 2x/month, which is very difficult sit through, but also very helpful in hearing others’ similar stories. I’m much to soon in this very new season of life to have much to offer grounded in experience–I have 7 weeks–but I so appreciate coming across your article, and the comments, since I need this kind of input and release.
Prayers my friend. May our Lord and blessed Mother continue to comfort you in this difficult time.
Thank you for generously using your grief to shed light for others! I’m praying for you for a future life filled with much love and greater awareness of how much God loves you whenever He gives you an opportunity to share His Cross.
Oh my heart feels for all of us grieving. My sisters in CDA- Catholic Daughters of the Americas were praying for me when my Dad died. I could literally feel their special prayers! And if you say I am praying for you- Do it right then & there! Hold that person’s hand and pray! Remember the importance of touch. May God hold you and your feel our blessed Mother’s mantle wrapping you!
I read your article and comments with great interest. I have never experienced loss, aside from grandparents and early miscarriages so I am always wanting to learn more about how to be a comfort to others. These suggestions seem spot on from what I have seen. Thank you and God bless you!
Sarah – thank you for the (beautifully-written) reminders of how to walk with others through their grief. I fear I will be accompanying a family through theirs soon, and your story empowered me and your faith inspired me. Sending up some prayers for you today. God bless you.
Maria F.
Dear Sarah, thank you, for showing us what we can do for others even in our deepest sorrow. I lost my dear husband of 57 years 11 months ago to ASL disease. I saw him dying a little bit every day, but hidden my own sorrow, I kept giving him courage and all my love. It was in these two years, that I took care of him, that I knew I was living my married vows to the fullness. Our Lord Jesus, from the very beginning made me understand the value of suffering when united with His. And, as I saw my husband losing the strength in his hands–It was the first sign of his illness– I remember that the first thing the soldiers did to Our Lord, was to tie His hands. Thereafter, I started to see the sufferings of Jesus in my husband’s sufferings. Day and night I was there by his side, carrying the cross with him. However, the strength came from the Lord, and my prayer was, “Lord, please heal my husband, yet not my will but Yours be done; You know why this cross, and what is better for us.” I believe this was the most perfect prayer I have ever prayed in my life. It gave me peace and acceptance of God’s will for us. We were blessed to have a priest friend who came to bring Jesus in the Holy Eucharist which was a great blessing. What I learned from this is that our catholic faith is a precious gift, and that suffering is the purification of our souls.
I can only try to imagine your great sorrow, but in your beautiful testimony, you show us your beautiful faith in God. One day, we will see our loved ones again.
God’s love and peace to you, Sarah. .
Sarah, prayers for your continued strength and your fiance to rest in peace with Jesus Christ, our Lord.
Dear Sarah,
My mom gave me this prayer after I lost my first baby through a miscarriage. Every time I felt the tears start to flow, I would say it. I have said it many times since then for other losses. It is important to remember that the death of a loved one is really a temporary separation. There may be other longer versions of this prayer, but this is the one I know.
I give them back to you, O Lord, who first gave them unto me.
And as You did not lose them in the giving, so I do not lose them in the return.
And while you prepare a place for us,
Prepare me also for that beautiful place.
Where You are, I wish to always be with those I have lost in this life.
Amen.
These tips are spot on and I’m so grateful to have friends that do exactly the daily check in from a certain friend and the discussions are what help the most. I lost my husband suddenly over a year ago and this second year has been much harder . I believe it is because most have assumed I’ve moved on – they see me out and about with a smile but each night and morning home alone is terrible. Each day I tell myself today I won’t cry , but easier said than done .