​Many young couples today believe they must have every aspect of their lives perfectly aligned before welcoming children. As a snapshot of our cultural obsession with control, consider Parents magazine’s daunting checklist for prospective parents:

• Research all available artificial technologies
• Make sure you have at least $22,000 in discretionary spending per year
• Negotiate parental leave (a requirement that assumes you have an established career)
• Mental health checks
• Self-care plans
• A discipline plan (the kid’s not even born yet!)
• Optimize your living space

The list goes on (with helpful affiliate links so moms-to-be can start spending that $22K ASAP).

The mindset behind the parenting industry rests on three falsehoods about beginning a family:

• Kids are an “opt-in” feature of a happy marriage and happy life
• You can be 100% prepared (if you read our content or buy our products)
• Failure to prepare fully for children means that if something goes “wrong,” it’s your fault

The reality is this: Marriages thrive best when openness to new life is the default option. The transformative beauty and growth that children bring, even when parents feel unprepared, has no equal on life’s “bucket list.”​

I want to challenge the modern myth of “readiness” and offer a better, more hopeful perspective on how starting a family can enrich your life and, by extension, everyone around you.​

Common misunderstandings about readiness for parenthood

Myth #1: Financial security equates to readiness for children.

While prudent financial planning is important, waiting for an ideal income or complete debt freedom leads to unnecessary delays. Many families thrive without achieving perfect financial conditions. Living frugally and prioritizing needs over wants can create a nurturing environment for children, even without substantial wealth.

Myth #2: Personal maturity must precede parenthood.

No, we should not have kids as a kind of twisted self-improvement program. But “I’m too selfish for kids” isn’t an excuse. In the ordinary way of human development, parenthood is the primary catalyst that propels individuals into new heights of self-giving and joy.

Myth #3: Achieving all personal goals and desires should come before starting a family.

Chasing a “bucket list” that ends with “have a baby” is a recipe for frustration and heartbreak. Instead, putting children first in your marriage will add depth and meaning to your pursuits, enriching your experiences in unexpected ways.​

Shifting your mindset toward openness to life

If you want to embrace parenthood before feeling entirely ready, be aware: you are making a radically counter-cultural choice. Most young couples see sterility – postponing or choosing not to have kids – as their status quo. Children are an add-on feature.

By shifting your mindset that being open to children is what married couples are, you are choosing to embrace one of the fundamental truths of human flourishing: He who would save his life will lose it. He who would lose his life will find it. 

Scary, right?

If you’ve seen that children – and all the beautiful uncertainty and chaos they can bring – are the normal product of a healthy marriage. If you want that for yourself, if you’re terrified… here are some ways to cultivate a pro-baby mindset:

Find other couples already on the parenting journey. Ask if you can hang out: invite them over and ask them questions. Ask if they felt “ready” – you’ll be surprised at their answers!

Practical steps and resources for new parents

• Seek mentorship: Connect with experienced parents in your community or parish. Their guidance can offer reassurance and practical advice. If you don’t know anyone in your circles with kids, ask your priest or pastor to connect you.
  
• Educate yourself: Reading insightful books can provide valuable perspectives. Consider “Hannah’s Children” by Catherine Pakaluk and “Get Married” by Brad Wilcox for thoughtful discussions on family and marriage.​
  
• Engage in community: Participate in church groups or community organizations focused on family life. Does your church have a “meals for moms” group you can join? Is there a young men’s basketball league with a few new dads? Building a support network can provide emotional and practical assistance.​
  
• Practice open communication with your spouse: Discuss your hopes, fears, and expectations. Mutual understanding and support are vital as you navigate the uncertainties of parenthood together.​ Pray together for openness and courage.

Transformative unpredictability: Have kids early and often

In a culture often characterized by fear and uncertainty, choosing to have children can be a profound statement of faith and optimism. It reflects a belief in the goodness of life and a commitment to nurturing the next generation.

What Parents magazine misses entirely in its “readiness checklist” are all the most important questions.

• Are you ready to welcome someone in need?
• Are you ready to see your spouse become a father (or mother)?
• Are you ready for the high adventure of loving a tiny person more than you ever thought possible?

As my good friend, Leah Libresco Sargeant, told an assembled (and highly skeptical) audience of Yale students:

Conclusion

So, what do you need to be ready for babies?

First, you need a loving husband or wife with whom to have these babies. The rest is negotiable. 

As you weigh your options and negotiate with God, always err on the side of courage, generosity, and openness to life. You may find yourself challenged and pushed beyond what you thought were your limits.

You will also find yourself.