It is a cultural fact that marriage rates have fallen while the age at which people tie the knot has risen dramatically in the last 60 years. At the same time, many couples wished they could’ve gotten married sooner. 

Multiple factors are at play in delayed marriages – finding the right partner, feeling ready, and societal expectations for twenty-something-year-olds. Hence, the years of frustration most of us have gone through. The breakups and dates that made us think we were wasting our time. The parties we attended always, hoping to meet the one, but always coming back home disheartened. 

We cannot be victims of this situation. 

In a recent article for First Things, author Leah Libresco Sargeant wrote:

Just as when we face professional or financial challenges, we need guidance. As we face challenges, we need to be able to make a plan with the confidence of knowing that we are moving in the right direction when it comes to romance.

Here is a step-by-step guide on how to find love in the broken dating system.

1. It starts with you

While there is plenty of evidence of how difficult the current dating scene is, use this reality as proof of what to do instead of plain discouragement. Dating can be quite humbling because even when done well, things may not immediately fall into place. While we do not have control over many aspects of dating, we do have the autonomy to decide what kind of relationship we want. This decision is on you, and you do have control over it. Don’t blame the dire dating scene—work on yourself instead!

The term “working on myself” has become code for “I am in therapy” or perhaps “I am so done with dating. I am taking a break.” But working on yourself means so much more. It is a time to realign your actions to your goals and avoid self-sabotaging behavior. It is also the time to build up confidence and embrace the unknown, which is the strongest weapon against “situationships” and other toxic or close-to-toxic dynamics that ultimately hinder our journey toward marriage. 

But that’s not all. 

The best part about working on yourself is that when done well, it is almost inevitable that you’ll start attracting the right people. Confidence, a calm persona, a fun and relaxed attitude, and an authentic glow are the surest ways to attract healthy connections and consequently increase your chances of meeting a life partner.

Working on yourself includes fun things like a makeover and even relaxing a bit and letting your playful side shine. Equally, it involves rigorous challenges, such as taking responsibility for the times when you have not been so great at relationships, romance, and family.

Do you have a tendency to talk back to your parents? Do you get moody and take your frustrations out on those around you? Are you nitpicky? Were you unfair to that one ex who was quite patient with you? Is there trauma in your past that still triggers you negatively? This list can be quite long, but going through it is crucial to becoming a better spouse in the future. 

Working on your current, non-romantic relationships can also go a long way. First, it will simply make you better at friendship—an important skill in marriage. Not only that, statistics show around 70% of married couples reported being friends before dating. Meaning that you could already know your spouse. 

Expand your social circles as much as possible. There is no such thing as too many friends. Expanding horizons will enrich your life, bring you joy, and inevitably increase your chances of either running into the one or realizing who this one is (in case you’ve missed it).

2. Find the social circles in which your future spouse is likely to be

Expanding the circles of your friends is the first step. The second step may require a bit more courage! You must intentionally think about where your ideal spouse likely spends his or her time. There are a few obvious answers to this question: church and school. 

There are also the not-so-obvious ones! Think about attending more volunteering or fundraising events for charities and causes you would want to share with your spouse. Consider taking classes to explore new or existing hobbies and make friends in the process. 

Maximize your current activities. For instance, if you go to the gym, attend their social events. If you’re in a sports league, organize a post-game gathering. If you belong to a young adult group or book club, plan outings beyond regular meetings and extend an open invitation. This encourages others to bring friends and allows you to connect with new people without the pressure of hosting.

A natural consequence of these practices is that you will grow in confidence. You will naturally enrich your life and expand your horizons, bringing joy and attracting people who may be lingering in the periphery. It is a win-win situation, which is important because if you are doing things exclusively for the sake of meeting a spouse, you could easily burn out and grow in frustration and even resentment toward your social circles. 

So take some of the pressure off and enjoy the day-to-day, in full trust that you are expanding the net and will eventually land the right fish!

3. Intentionally line up the dates

In a perfect world, as you expand your social net, the number of dates you go on will also increase. This may come easily, but since the world is imperfect, you may need to make extra effort. 

As you meet people and spark conversations, make it a point that further private conversation requires a one-on-one date. This sparks intrigue and also saves you from becoming too overwhelming or intense at the beginning, which can be a turn-off when it comes to romance. This has to come naturally (there is a place of balance between “stuck up” and launching yourself at everyone you meet!). 

It’s okay to go on dates with multiple people in the space of a few weeks or even months as long as you haven’t agreed to be exclusive. If after a few dates you want to “go steady,” be sure to voice it. It may take some courage, as this is a vulnerable move, but it saves everyone the discomfort—and sense of betrayal—that comes later when you discover one person assumed there was exclusivity while the other did not. 

To that point, you can show your cards early on! Avoid planning the wedding in the first month of dating, but be very upfront about the kind of life you want. You can keep it hypothetical in the early days, but feel free to go into serious topics. For example, you could say, “I don’t see myself homeschooling. I would rather put the effort into sending my kids to private schools.” This will spark a conversation that goes beyond childrearing. This isn’t about deciding how you will educate your future right there and then, but about discussing the expectations that each party has for his or her life. This is how you can truly figure out compatibility. 

For example, not everyone dates for marriage, so if you are pursuing someone who is in the “not looking for marriage at the moment” bucket (they may not refer to themselves as such, but after a few dates, it should be clear) you are setting yourself up for failure. No matter how wonderful the connection is, it is a pointless and often hurtful game to try to convince someone to commit. There are also obvious incompatibilities that sometimes take too long to be acknowledged just because the honeymoon period is way too exciting. Just as you wouldn’t stay loyal to a job that wasn’t aligned with your professional or financial goals, don’t stay loyal to a relationship that isn’t leading toward marriage.

The confidence you worked on in the first step will come into play here because you may need to cut things short if you meet someone wonderful and exciting but who may not be a good candidate for a spouse. This may sound obvious, but “situationships” and dragged-out romances are some of the things that make pursuing marriage so difficult. They provide a sense of emotional safety but keep us from that lifelong commitment in marriage while also stealing the best years of our lives. 

4. And at last, have fun! 

Dating is a unique time in your life, and even if you experience 10 grueling years of it, they will be followed by many years of marriage. It is a small season of our lives, and I truly believe that it is a time of incredible personal growth and fun. This is the time to learn the lessons that one day we will impart as wisdom to our children and grandchildren, so be attentive and intentional, and let God’s will for you unfold in its own time, in its own way.