My standards are high because I know what I need—and I understand why non-negotiables in dating are so important. Better yet, I’ve made them work for me. Regardless of your type or what you’re looking for, this list will help you determine whether your standards truly reflect your dignity. But first, let’s define a few key terms—because understanding why standards matter is where it all begins.

Your preferences and standards are different, and for good reason

Remember, I’m looking for a man in finance, trust fund, 6’5’’, blue eyes? 

That memorable and cheeky audio lists a girl’s preferences – characteristics that she likes and finds attractive in a man. Sometimes we trick ourselves into thinking that we deserve our preferences – nothing else and certainly nothing less.

On the other hand, your standards are less about specific traits and more about the minimum requirements a guy must meet for you to give him a chance. Requirements are often benchmarks for the quality of a person, his behavior, and even his achievements. Basically, your standards in dating are how you believe you deserve to be treated.

A two-way street

It’s also important to remember that you must be worthy of the partner you want. You can say you deserve all these wonderful things in a partner; but if you don’t make the effort to treat him with the same respect and thoughtfulness, then you have an unfair double standard. 

If you find yourself waiting for this ideal partner, try to uphold the same standards you expect of others. I can’t expect to attract a partner that is ambitious, hardworking, and kind if I am none of those things. 

The key is not to let your preferences become your standards. You could prefer blue eyes, but your husband may have brown… You never know. You should give people a chance, even if they don’t meet your preferences. If they don’t meet your standards, that’s a different story.

Don’t be afraid to set high standards for yourself. Think about the kind of woman who would be a great match for the man you hope to marry—and start becoming her now. While you’re dating, focus on developing your hobbies, skills, character, and values. The things you neglect to grow in yourself will often surface quickly in a relationship. Aim to become the kind of person your best self would want to date.

Sitting on a date and realizing that the person in front of you isn’t aligned with your goals and where you see yourself in the future? Don’t be afraid to express this kindly and save yourself the trouble and the time! 

How do I know what I deserve? 

I highly recommend How to Find Your Soulmate Without Losing Your Soul by Jason and Crystalina Everett. It’s the only pep-talk you’ll ever need for dating, saving yourself for marriage, and understanding self-worth. I didn’t appreciate the book for the gem that it is until I had my first break-up.

In the book, they outline the types of men you want to avoid. Reading the book, I came to realize that I’ve gone out with guys who are absolute caricatures of these types. I’m going to call one of them Aaron. 

Aaron lined up with a lot of my non-negotiables, but he didn’t meet my standards. I enjoyed Aaron so much and the way he treated me that my standards went to the wayside. I originally was looking for someone who went to church on Sundays, was self-motivated, and made their health a priority. These things were important to me, but not as important to Aaron. As we got to know one another, these important things created distance between us because we didn’t agree. I was willing to overlook what I thought was important for the sake of being loved by a man. When I finally broke things off, I was crushed. I had invested in getting to know him, despite seeing inconsistencies all along.

What I didn’t realize at the time is that standards help you discern smarter and protect your heart. In the moment, and especially if a date is going well, it’s difficult to remember what you want. Dating coaches and relationship psychologists recommend making a list of non-negotiable traits that you want in your future partner. Write them down somewhere so you can remember them. In the meantime, you can borrow mine!

My high standards 

Shares your faith 

If you aren’t aligned on this one, you and your partner may as well be on different planets. Think about it. One of you believes there is a God that created the universe, there is an afterlife, there’s no such thing as coincidence, and your choices matter. Your purpose is to know, love, and serve God. This mission impacts your every move. If your date doesn’t believe in God, he’s going to think that this life is the only one we’ve got, and act accordingly. While your date can be altruistic and kind without being Catholic, he may not understand the motivations for doing good long-term. When things get hard, it’s easy to compromise your morals without Divine assistance and lean on your own understanding.

I feel safe and comfortable around him

This is not just a safety thing, but a nervous system thing. Our bodies know whether someone is good for us. Your date or partner should make you feel comfortable and relaxed. If you are second-guessing yourself, what your partner says, or feeling unsure, trust your gut. Anything truly worthwhile is worth fighting for, but sometimes in dating, trust your instinct. There should be a certain level of natural comfort with his personality and quirks. 

His words align with his actions 

I want to be with someone who takes responsibility for his actions. Whomever I’m seeing needs to respect my time by planning dates, following up with me, and building trust. When a man does all this, I know he is trustworthy. Better yet, I know I can entrust and share myself with someone who keeps his word in small things as well as big. 

Chivalrous

Opening doors and picking up the check are just surface-level gestures. The deeper conversation is about how your partner shows up. When you’re with someone, he should feel empowered in his masculinity—naturally taking initiative, planning meaningful dates, and valuing you as a person, not just for your looks or how you treat him. A man who values himself will care for his emotional, physical, and spiritual well-being—and he’ll encourage you to do the same. The right partner supports your growth and inspires you to become your best self, just as you do for him.

Free from serious sin and addiction (or far along in an action plan) 

Sometimes, the person you’re interested in doesn’t match the exact picture you had in mind—and that’s okay. People are complex, and real connection often looks different than what we imagined. Everyone has personal struggles, and many of those aren’t visible right away; they may only come to light after you’ve truly gotten to know someone. 

What’s important is that they aren’t actively struggling with serious sin without a clear plan for growth and accountability. Genuine change takes time, but it also requires intention and action. A willingness to acknowledge their flaws and struggles and actively work on them is a strong indicator of maturity and character.

He doesn’t put unreasonable expectations on you

I’ve had men ask me out and simultaneously fish around for how many kids I want in the future. We hadn’t even gone on a first date. Similarly, if someone asks you about intimate future goals and can’t commit to being your boyfriend, that’s also a problem. On the other hand, your boyfriend shouldn’t receive privileges that come with the title of husband. Intimacy and vulnerability build over time and with trust. If things seem rushed or you feel pressured in any way, sexually or emotionally, it’s okay to walk away. 

Unafraid to show his interest in me 

There are countless reels of influencers telling women that a man should be obsessed with them—and sure, people in the comments often say that’s “too much.” But the truth? He should be—just in a healthy, grounded way. He should understand that relationships are a part of life, instead of making you his whole world. He should lead with his best impression. He should cover the meal. He should show up as his personal best—because that’s what you deserve.

You’re gracing him with your presence, your energy, and your time. That matters.

“If he wanted to, he would” isn’t just a catchy phrase—it’s solid advice. Let the man pursue. The woman does the choosing.

Secure attachment style 

When you are secure, you are sure of yourself, self-aware, and willing to communicate and compromise. This also means you can be vulnerable with another while keeping your boundaries. In other words, you are ready for a relationship. 

Able to suffer graciously

The ultimate form of love is laying down your life for a friend, exemplified by none other than Jesus Christ. We imitate Christ by carrying our crosses. Your suffering here on Earth merits Heaven, but can also teach you about yourself. Through suffering, you learn to be compassionate for others’ situations and hardships, you acknowledge your own weaknesses, and learn to overcome challenges. How is your partner supposed to be supportive, encouraging, and selfless if they haven’t carried their crosses? Precisely in the cross is where we grow other virtues and become the person we are meant to be. 

Attractive to me  

What’s attractive to you might be completely different for someone else—and that’s a good thing! What matters most is that you find him attractive—whether it’s his personality, the way he carries himself, or his appearance. If you’re having to force that attraction, he might not be the right match. But if you feel naturally drawn to him and he aligns with your standards, that’s a major green light.