How many kids do you have? How I think (and talk) about my miscarriage 

I’m babywearing a napping infant and watching my children swing across the monkey bars at a busy neighborhood playground. 

A mom standing nearby asks, “How many children do you have?” 

This question always makes me pause. 

“Four! How about you?” is my response with an ever so slight pang in my heart. A pang in my heart because there are not only four, but five little souls that God has given me to love.  

Losing our baby 

After a few weeks of joy and excitement about expecting our third child, my husband and I were devastated to learn we lost our baby in a first trimester miscarriage. 

I came home from the doctor’s office confirming our loss to find a single rose on our bush in full bloom. I believe that rose was a precious gift from God and the Blessed Mother and the thought of it still brings me deep consolation today. We named the baby Rose Marie and buried her in the same cemetery as my grandmother’s final resting place, in a peaceful section specifically for the unborn. 

And while she was only physically with us for a few weeks, I am changed by those precious moments carrying Rose Marie. Our baby is forever a part of me. 

Forever changed

Scientifically speaking, this is true – my baby is, down to a cellular level, a part of me. Microchimerism occurs during pregnancy when the cells of the baby cross the placenta and enter the mother’s body. The mother’s cells can also cross and become a part of the baby. A mother and each of her children – born and unborn – are connected in this deep and life altering way. 

Regardless of the biological phenomenon of microchimerism, I know this connection to be true in my heart. I carried Rose with great joy and buried her with deep sadness. She was only with us for a few weeks, but that time was incredibly blessed, and I praise God that He made her and stand in wonder of the mystery that He chose to draw her back to Him so soon. She is, and always will be, just as much an arrow in our quiver as her four siblings.  

And yet, when someone asks me how many children I have, I often do not include her in the number. 

Hesitations to sharing

Other women have shared with me that they, too, often have trouble discerning whether to share with others about their children in Heaven. Whether it feels too painful to discuss with a stranger or fear about bringing up a heavy topic in a group setting, there are many uncertainties mothers face in deciding when to share about their little ones above. Here is a look into some of the reasons a mother might choose not to share about her unborn baby. 

Heavy talk versus small talk – A dear friend lost her daughter in a second trimester miscarriage and recounted a time that the dental assistant was making small talk during her appointment by asking how many children she had. My friend shared that she had “one child on earth, one child in heaven” but quickly realized she was not ready for the chit chat to take such a heavy turn.

My friend discovered she was eager to share about her daughter in times where vulnerability and openness had the proper time to be processed with another person, but it was too difficult and uncomfortable during a conversation that was rushed in nature or didn’t have potential for deeper connection. 

She found that discerning these moments got easier with the passing of time, and freely shares about her daughter with strangers and friends alike when the conversation has potential for longevity but does not feel the pressure to share about her loss in a quick, surface level exchange. 

This does not mean she fails to count her daughter among her children. Quite the opposite – her daughter’s ultrasound photograph hangs in a place of prominence in her home, and she talks about her often with family and friends. She has simply discerned that she personally needs more time to share about her daughter than a quick exchange allows to avoid feelings of discomfort. 

Sensitivity to others – Part of a woman’s feminine genius is her natural proclivity to sensing the needs and feelings of others. When met with the opportunity to share about a miscarriage, many thoughts may race through a mother’s mind. 

“Will I make this person uncomfortable?”

“What if they don’t know what to say? I don’t want to put them in an awkward position.” 

“What if this other woman recently lost a baby and I remind her of the pain?” 

“What if this friend also lost a baby and I make her feel guilty for not including her own little one within her number of children?”

The list could go on and on.  

This beautiful attunement to others is a great blessing from God. However, it can also stand as a barrier to a mother who wishes to share about her child in Heaven yet desires to be sensitive to the feelings of others. 

Blessing versus burden – A friend who lost her baby during a first trimester miscarriage usually does not share about her loss unless she is with close friends and family. Her reasoning? “I get nervous the initial reaction will be ‘I’m so sorry’ instead of basking in the blessings.” 

This mother wants to ensure that she emphasizes God’s goodness and blessings, rather than giving the potential for a person to focus on the burden of losing her fifth little one. Once she gets to know a person better, she shares about her child in Heaven because they are very much a part of her family. 

When sharing feels right

There are plenty of benefits to sharing about children in heaven. One mother’s brave vulnerability might inspire someone hoping to process the loss of their own baby. Her openness can serve as a witness to the preciousness of all human life, born and unborn. When getting acquainted with someone new, sharing about a child in Heaven might be a point of deep connection otherwise missed. 

Sharing about our baby, especially with my other children, has been incredibly healing for me. They ask for their sister’s intercession, get excited when they see our rose bush beginning to bloom, and talk about her freely and openly. I am not alone in keeping her memory alive, because they are eager to honor her short time here on earth and are emboldened with childlike faith that they will meet her one day in Heaven. 

Ultimately, when it comes to sharing about a miscarriage, there is not one correct way to answer. So many factors – setting, length of conversation, the person inquiring, amount of time since the loss, a mother’s personality – can determine what is best for the mother. Some mothers may choose to always talk about their child in Heaven, others may never.  

The only “right” answer is what the mother discerns is best for her in that specific exchange. What is prudent to share for one mother, may not be for another. What is prudent to share in one moment, may not be in another. A mother who lost her baby can ask the Holy Spirit to be near her and feel confident that He will give her the right words to say. 

Same question, same playground

A few weeks ago, I was pushing my daughter on the swing at the same neighborhood playground. A mom is pushing her toddler next to me, and we strike up a conversation. Eventually, she asks, “How many children do you have?” 

Sensing she is open to connection, feeling ready for a moment of vulnerability, and recognizing a nudge from the Holy Spirit to share about Rose Marie, I smile and say, “Four on earth, one in Heaven. How about you?” 

She gives me a knowing smile. “Two on earth, and two in Heaven,” she responds. 

Our conversation eventually moves onto the names and ages of our children on earth, but there is a moment of comfortable silence that we offer each other to honor our losses and remember our little ones up above.