As I approach 9 months since my fiancé died, I am reflecting on how much my life has changed and how the world has moved on. It creates a disconnect between me and my surrounding community. Gone are the flowers, meal trains, DoorDash gifts, and the kind notes in the mail.

A friend recently asked me, “What can I do?” after I told her I was struggling. I had no idea how to respond to her question. My friends want to keep showing up, but they don’t know how exactly to be helpful.

If my friends aren’t sure how to help, then others must be experiencing the same uncertainty.

Avoid the open-ended question

When you want to lend a helpful hand to your friend, avoid asking the easy, open-ended question: How can I help? This unintentionally places the burden of feeling like a burden on your friend. Nobody in grief wants to ask you to help with yardwork. Your question will generally get a response like, “I don’t need anything,” or “just pray for me.”

It’s important to understand that your friend has started to get back into the swing of things – she can get groceries, cook meals, do laundry, work her job, etc. There can be a misconception that she’s “okay” and “back to normal,” but the exterior reality looks much different than the interior reality. 

Try to get as specific as possible to remove the burden of decision-making. Here are a few examples:

• I’m going to get food delivered to your house tonight. Do you want Chipotle or Sweetgreens?
• Let me cut your lawn this weekend. Can I come Saturday morning?
• I’m cooking you brunch after Mass. Does this Sunday or next work better for you?

Now, all your friend needs to do is say “Chipotle” or “thank you so much, that would be so helpful.” They can even say, “Tonight doesn’t work, can we do tomorrow instead?”

Your challenge

This is where you are presented with a challenge: What are you willing to do to serve your friend? It will be easy to look at the following list and then not follow through. 

Start by choosing something on the list that sounds feasible or organic to you. Your service should come as a gift from you and not as a forced, foreign action. 

It’s true… driving across town, rearranging plans, or spending extra money is an inconvenience. Embrace this inconvenience as a sacrificial offering to our Lord to share in the weight of your friend’s heavy cross.

Some ideas

Here’s what you can do when you live near her:

1. Mow her lawn
2. DoorDash tacos
3. Invite her over for dinner
4. Drop some flowers on her door
5. Ask to go for a walk
6. Drop off lunch
7. Bake sourdough bread or healthy muffins
8. Buy her a coffee
9. Take her on a drive to get ice cream
10. Slide a bar of chocolate into her pew (after Mass is over)
11. Send a song that you love
12. Share a memory of her loved one
13. Write down a prayer that made you think of her
14. Remind her frequently that your door is always open

Here’s what you can do when you live far away:

1. Send a gift card to her favorite coffee shop
2. Mail a quick “praying for you” letter
3. Venmo money to order carryout
4. Send a wholesome and fun book
5. Give her a call
6. Text her regularly

My notable mentions

Several of my friends have stepped forward, making themselves available when I need them. It might be helpful for you to hear the acts of service I’ve deeply appreciated.

Thank you to the friend who…

• will always answer my call, listen to me, and ask me questions
• brings me a homemade lunch every Tuesday 
• lets me sleep over whenever I need to get out of my house
• texts every week, something like “hey bud, how are you doing?” 
• left cookies on my front porch
• includes memories of him here and there in our conversations
• puts herself aside and considers what I need
• meets with me every Thursday morning for coffee
• helped me weed-whack and mow
• helped me plant a garden
• has me over for dinner every Tuesday and lets me help with her kids 
• gets me a treat when I visit
• sent me a gift card to the best coffee shop in town

We all carry crosses

If you are reading this as someone who is grieving the loss of a loved one, I encourage you to look outward to your community. Search for others who are struggling and use this list to be attentive to their needs. 

Ultimately, we have all been given various crosses of different sizes. The Gospel calls us to support one another as we journey through this valley of tears. It is a calling of the suffering to help those who are suffering. 

You might find that giving of yourself out of love and generosity will, in turn, give you unspeakable joy. And who doesn’t need some extra joy in life?

How have you supported your friends in grief? Let me know in the comments below.