The bookstore moment

This past weekend, I was browsing a favorite used bookstore in search of a particular parenting book. The shelves in the parenting section were packed with options—including the one I had set out to find—and I was struck by the guarantees in their titles. From raising “successful” children to incorporating Montessori practices from birth to teaching kids anti-racism, each book claimed something different was foundational to parenting. While many contained real wisdom, many also presented themselves—through titles and descriptions—as the only way to parent.

Why we’re drawn to parenting trends

The current generation of young parents, perhaps more than any before, is especially susceptible to trend-based parenting. We all know someone in our social circles who seems to embody this—aligning their parenting with a particular expert or philosophy, rather than what the moment, the child, or their own priorities might call for.

“Gentle parenting,” “attachment parenting,” and “Montessori parenting” are just a few of many identifiers people adopt based on a chosen method or trend. Some methods are grounded in years of research and generations of testing. Others are the invention of a few social media personalities.

Why trends are so tempting

Why do we lean so heavily on experts? Often, it’s because we don’t want to repeat the difficulties of our own childhoods. Or maybe it’s because we lack a cohesive cultural vision of what it means to raise a virtuous person. Either way, “trendy” parenting provides comfort in the most vulnerable place of all: the fear that we’ll mess up our children.

Trends and methods provide a sense of security in the midst of the uncertainty of raising children and encountering your own flaws in the process.

Parenting isn’t a science experiment

Many parenting methods hold valuable wisdom. But the temptation is to treat parenting like a science experiment with predictable results, rather than as a process. Many parenting trends and methods are based on seemingly solid studies, with results that we are told we must apply in order to succeed.

As Michaeleen Doucleff writes in Hunt, Gather, Parent:

“Even when studies are sufficiently powered—and have strong evidence—many times they don’t tell parents what we really want to know: whether the tool or strategy will work with our own children. Just because a tool works in a laboratory or with a small group of kids does not mean it will be useful for your kid, in your home.”

At best, she notes, studies suggest what might work on average—helping some families, doing nothing for others, and even making life harder for a few.

What experts can’t promise

No matter what method we choose, it cannot actually guarantee the outcome we’re hoping for—despite what its creators promise. What it can guarantee, if we lean on it too heavily, is that we won’t develop the humility, discernment, and surrender required to figure out what actually fits our family, or each unique child within it.

The real missing ingredient: your family

Every parenting study or method leaves out one crucial test subject: your family. A method might be popular and even helpful for many households, but that doesn’t mean it will work in yours. Or perhaps some parts will work, especially when combined with practices from other methods.

The best way forward is to take the ideas you’re drawn to into prayer and discussion with your spouse. Tailor them as you see what works—and what doesn’t—not simply follow what an “expert” dictates. They may be experts in a field, but they are not experts in your family.

Priorities over prescriptions

Ultimately, parenting choices must come from our own priorities—discerned in cooperation with our spouses and guided by the wisdom of trusted people. Different methods appeal to us because they echo our priorities, but trouble comes when we let a parenting style or method decide our priorities for us.

By listening closely to our specific families – their spoken and unspoken needs – and to our own needs as parents, we can build a mix of practices, philosophies, and methods that actually work in our homes.