How I knew marriage was right for me

Marriage was right for me; here’s how I knew.

Quick note: There are typically three kinds of vocations we talk about. There is the universal vocation, which is the call every single person receives at baptism — to be holy, to love God, and to go to Heaven. There is the “Big V Vocation,” which is the particular vocation or state in life you are called to — consecrated religious life, marriage, ordained priesthood, or consecrated single life. Finally, there is the “small v vocation,” which is the daily call to serve God in your state in life. This article mainly focuses on the “Big V Vocation,” with small references to the other vocations. These three vocations build on each other: our universal call to holiness is lived out through our state in life, and our daily work flows from both. Our “Big V Vocation” shapes so much of how we grow in holiness and love day by day, which is why it deserves special care in discernment.

Discerning your vocation can feel like an overwhelming task at times. But I want to assure you that this time of waiting is a beautiful gift. The Lord is not holding the secret to our happiness away from us or dangling it in front of us to tempt us. The Lord is walking beside us, holding our hand every step of the way. Discerning your vocation, while challenging, is a thing to cherish, not something to rush through to get the “perfect end;” that’s just not reality, nor is it the way that the Lord works.

A few definitions

Let’s get technical for a second — what does it mean to discern? The word “discern” comes from the Latin word discernere, which is formed by dis meaning “apart,” and cernere meaning “to separate, sift, distinguish, or decide.” So to discern means to separate apart, to distinguish, or to decide. Discernment is a process; it does not happen in a flash. Sifting flour does not happen in an instant — you must separate the fine granules from the larger ones. This takes time, care, and effort; sometimes it can even be messy. Discernment is a process, a conversation with the Lord that leads to a decision. It is not just making a snap decision, but it also does not go on forever. We will continuously repeat the process of discernment for various decisions over the course of our lives, but each period of discernment should eventually end in a decision guided by the Lord.

Now, back to my story: I always had a pretty clear idea of my vocation. From a very young age, all I could think about was wanting to be a wife and mother. It helped to have such a wonderful mother who was so deeply present, involved, and loving. I saw the way she cared for us and the joy it brought her, and even though I couldn’t fully identify those things then, I knew I wanted it.

I was a bit of a tomboy growing up as well. Don’t get me wrong, I loved playing with Barbies and my American Girl dolls. I loved playing dress-up and making dance routines. But I really loved playing outside and getting dirty. One of my best friends from kindergarten on was a boy, and we spent countless hours in his family’s wooded backyard, building forts, playing in the creek, and being outside. I loved to ride horses, and I dreamed of having my own farm someday. I often felt like I was born in the wrong century and instead should’ve been born in the 1800s in the Wilder family (Little House on the Prairie reference if you missed that). I just couldn’t wait to grow up, get married, and live on a farm. It seemed like the only logical option.

Another kind of marriage?

But as I got older and fell in love with my Catholic faith, I often heard people telling me I should discern religious life. I had many people tell me that’s what a good Catholic girl should do: be a religious sister. I even had people jokingly (but maybe not so jokingly) call me “Sister Emily.” I always laughed along with the jokes, but interiorly I felt distressed. What if religious life was where God was calling me?

I knew that His plan was perfect and He would bring me joy in any situation. But the thought of entering religious life made me want to cry. It’s not what I wanted. To my very core, I knew I wanted to be a wife and a mother. I told myself that if that was where the Lord was calling me, I would go, but I wouldn’t be too happy about it.

Joy in the Cross

Now, I don’t have the time or qualifications to go into a long theological explanation of God, who He is, and how He loves us, but I can tell you this: the Lord desires your happiness. He is not out to get you and force you into a vocation in which you’ll be miserable. Every vocation comes with sacrifice and suffering; there is no denying that, but your vocation should bring peace, joy, and fulfillment. In this vocation, you will become more closely united to God, who is Love, Joy, and Peace. Do not let misconstrued ideas of God and what He wants distract you from the truth. The Cross will always be part of any vocation — but it never cancels out the deeper peace and joy that come from living in God’s will. The sacrifices we make are meant to purify and strengthen our love, not rob us of the happiness He wants for us.

With that being said, there was a time in college when, after a few failed relationships (and a few more comments from others about religious life), I began to talk to my spiritual director about this. He listened to my heart (which, if we’re being honest, knew I was being called to marriage, and I believe he saw that) and led me through a simple spiritual exercise to help me discern religious life. By the end of this exercise, my cheeks were wet with tears. He looked at me and asked what I was feeling; my simple response was, “If that’s what the Lord wants me to do, I’ll do it. But I really don’t want to at all.” In that moment, I realized that my deep desire for marriage wasn’t something I needed to push away in fear — it was a sign of how the Lord had designed my heart. Our deepest, purest desires are often the very way He shows us where He wants us to go.

The constant calling

To make the long story short, my path to vocational discernment was not easy, but I had a strong sense of where the Lord was calling me from the beginning. The Lord wanted to fulfill my desire for marriage, and through this vocation, I am able to serve Him with a heart full of joy and peace, hopefully getting myself and those around me, especially my husband and future children, into Heaven. If you’re in the middle of your own discernment, take heart. The same faithful God walks with you, too — guiding, sifting, and leading you closer to Him every step of the way.