I’m in my early 20s, and here’s how I’m building a support system from scratch

Nobody wants to admit they are lonely. If anything, we want others to see that we are sociable, well-adjusted and well-liked. But sometimes, even surrounded by people, we feel unseen. 

If you attended college like I did, it was the incubator for your next four years after high school and a  way to make friends. All you had to do was pay tuition, show up and voilà! You were given a prepackaged place to live (Remember shower shoes? Bleh). You either pick your roommates or get tossed in with a few strangers who somehow turn into your “ride or dies” thanks to proximity and shared snacks. Meanwhile, clubs and sororities bombard you with flyers until you stumble into friends who share your interests.

Making friends as an adult is a different story. If college gives you water wings into adulthood, creating adult friendships is the high dive. Whether you find yourself straight out of undergrad, recently relocated and navigating a new city, or just plain lonely, you aren’t the only one. Here are ways I’m creating my support system from scratch in my early 20s. 

Plug yourself into a parish

More often than not, especially in cities, there are other young Catholics striving for sainthood. Through my Newman Center in college, I made my closest friends that I still keep in contact with today. Friendships rooted in faith likely have more empathy, depth, and generosity. For me, they are not only encouraging and honest, but they make me feel less alone spiritually. These friends are the ones that are willing to drop everything and help me succeed. 

Note: I think it’s especially important to come into any new community with an open mind. You can’t make new friends if you are silently judging others on the first impression. Set your pride aside and see what someone has to offer because of their human dignity, not because they fit — or don’t fit — your idea of them.

The Meetups app

In order to meet people, you have to go out. Sitting in with takeout and a comfort show is so tempting to unwind, but be careful not to make it a work week ritual. Making friends means putting yourself out there. Whatever your passions may be, “meetups” are the advanced Facebook group. The app helps you find events in your city and connect with a community that enjoys the same hobbies you do. 

If you ever wanted to join a run club or do a paint and sip with a group of girls, Meetups can help. It takes hosting off your plate and gives you an opportunity to make connections with many people all at once.

Note: Be safe when attending these events and let someone know your location ahead of attending. Most coffee houses, bars, and public spaces offer events. These are great ways to meet people in the wild!

Never underestimate mentorship

When I formally started taking Latin dance lessons, I found an entire community that loved what I did! It led me to being invited to birthday parties, attending monthly dance socials, exploring more of my city, and meeting people from all over (even from international locales). 

What is unique about dance is how every walk of life, age, and background participates. A lot of my friends I’ve met through dance are older than I am. I’m on one end of my 20s and they’re on the other, but I have a lot to learn from their life experience. These friends are much more secure in who they are as individuals which makes me look forward to what comes next in my life. 

Note: Never underestimate the power of mentorship. Whether they fit the big brother or mom-away-from-home role, mentors can inspire you to dream bigger and comfort you in your lows. Even if someone is different from you, you shouldn’t rule them out. 

Introductions are everything

I have met other young professionals that have become my friends through mutual friends. Your friends often know you better and in different ways than you know yourself. If your friend wants you to meet someone else, do it! That just might be a bestie in the making. 

Let me give you an example. One night, I attended live music and didn’t know anyone except my one friend and her boyfriend. A couple months later, I have this new network of friends that I really connect with and am growing alongside. The existing friends that you have from undergrad, those in another city that moved away, or an old roommate may just be the introduction you need to find your village.

Note: Don’t be afraid to mix friend groups! The “the more, the merrier” mentality usually results in more fun (and friends). 

Just say yes 

I’ve gone to farmer’s markets, live music in the park, and all sorts of events completely solo! And yes, I use the exclamation point because doing what you love (with or without companions) is fun.

We forget that doing something alone doesn’t automatically doom us to loneliness. Most of my meaningful, personal interactions happened because I was willing to show a little bit of who I am to someone else. I said yes to grabbing coffee with someone new, or I simply smiled at a stranger and let the moment unfold.

Think of making friends not as a chore or something intimidating, but as a trial run. Being a good friend (and finding good friends) takes practice. It doesn’t matter whether it’s the cashier, the barista, or the person you hope to befriend, start asking questions. Start interacting in small ways because a smile paired with a friendly face goes a surprisingly long way.