When spouses or significant others discover their partner’s sexual addiction or compulsive behaviors, they often feel deeply pained, disoriented, angry, and even terrified. Many of them are confused by their visceral reaction, and wonder what’s happening to them. The answer is that there’s nothing wrong with them — they’re experiencing a normal psychological reaction to experiencing the pain of betrayal from someone they significantly rely on. The scientific term for this intense experience is fittingly called “betrayal trauma.”

What is “betrayal trauma”?

Betrayal trauma, which occurs in an array of relationships, situations, and levels of intensity, is a form of post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) that can deeply destabilize what psychologists refer to as the “betrayed partner.” Whether you’ve discovered your spouse or significant other has relapsed into an old pattern of sexual addiction, or are learning about and discovering their patterns for the first time, it’s normal to feel shock, intense pain, and fear at what has happened and what might come next.

Betrayal trauma is a trauma precisely because of your closeness to the person who betrayed you — it’s easy to feel like perhaps you never knew them at all. Certain factors can intensify the experience of trauma; for instance, you experience more trauma if you discover a person’s hidden behaviors than you do when they willingly reveal the truth to you. Trauma is also increased if you are alone in your pain; that’s why one of your first steps is telling someone who can support you. (While this may feel like a betrayal of your partner’s confidence, or you might fear damaging others’ opinion of him or her, it is very important to reach out to at least a couple of people who can offer support and guidance while also keeping that confidence.) 

The world turned upside down

However your story of betrayal trauma might be playing out, it’s normal to feel like your world has been turned upside down. Many thoughts race through your mind: What do I do next? Is this my fault? Will this keep happening? How do I ever trust again? The answers to those questions can be hard to hold onto, and they change based on everyone’s unique story and relationship. 

Most importantly, if you’ve experienced betrayal trauma, know that it is not your fault. You cannot fix someone’s life or behavior for them — you can only encourage them to make and hold to their commitment to pursue healing and virtue. While for many it may feel contradictory to focus on yourself and your own healing in betrayal trauma, it’s absolutely necessary.

The road to recovery and healing

Healing from betrayal trauma can be complicated, depending especially on the type of relationship you have with the person who has betrayed you through their behavior. It’s always best to take your pain and suffering to both a professional, faithful therapist and a spiritual director. You need to find places where you can find safe and confidential accompaniment as you process what has happened. 

While couples therapy and spiritual direction are crucial, especially in a marriage that’s been broken by betrayal, it’s also fundamental to your healing to have your own therapist and spiritual director who can focus on just you. These trusted people also have the professional and spiritual tools to help you evaluate your next steps. If you are dating or engaged and have experienced betrayal trauma, they can help you assess whether or not continuing in the relationship is healthy.

Betrayal in marriage: A complex case

Betrayal trauma becomes very complex when you are married, as the commitment level is much deeper than a dating relationship or engagement. This is where therapy and spiritual guidance become even more necessary – navigating how to either continue to live together or separate is a weighty situation that should never be taken lightly. Avenues of healing and possible reconciliation should be explored. Conversely, it may be impossible for you to continue living together right now, and professional therapeutic and moral guidance can help you determine if that’s the case. If you do make the difficult choice to separate, you will need their ongoing support as well.

Reclaim your health, sanity, and joy

Beyond the big decisions and pursuing professional help, it’s important to focus on reclaiming health and stability in your everyday life in betrayal trauma. Do not force the process to move quickly, just because it’s uncomfortable. Take time to listen to your body and mind and what they might be telling you about the trauma. Often, we can learn what we need to heal by paying close attention to the discomfort and pain we’re experiencing. 

If betrayal trauma has left you anxious and hypervigilant, perhaps pursue habits and places that encourage stillness — prayer and getting outdoors in nature can be incredibly soothing. If you’re experiencing anger and tension, exercise can be a balm. Though what’s considered “self-care” tends to the superficial, true care for your body, mind, and spirit is anything but escapist, especially when you’re walking through trauma. 

Your partner should also be encouraging and supporting you in your individual healing; if you feel they are not, make sure to share that with your therapist, spiritual director, and support team.

There is a light

Whatever your experience of betrayal trauma, know that despite how it may feel, you will be okay. This is a painful and often life-altering experience, but taking time and space to focus on yourself and your own healing will bring peace, even if it’s slowly. 

You deserve better, and you can decide today to embrace that truth.