Friendship in the age of polarization: How to stay connected when you don’t vote the same way

Many of us have been told to keep our politics and religion private. While there is a place for privacy, this approach is not working, because not knowing what makes the people we share life with tick, keeps us disconnected. Plus, we all know there are situations and people with whom we are so close that keeping such thoughts private is not even an option. 

We’re living in what many call the “age of polarization.” The left and the right no longer simply disagree; they increasingly view one another as moral enemies. Families are divided, college campuses are battlegrounds, and entire friend groups fracture over who likes or follows which candidate on Instagram. Studies show that one in five Americans has ended a friendship over politics since 2016. That’s not just sad, it’s unhealthy. Deep relationships are one of the strongest predictors of well-being, resilience, and even longevity. Losing them over partisanship can leave us lonelier, more fragile, and ironically, more easily manipulated by political messaging.

Not everyone is playing into the divide. Some are quietly modeling what bridge-building actually looks like. Take David Axelrod, Barack Obama’s former campaign strategist, and Karl Rove, the man who helped elect George W. Bush. Politically, they’re opposites, yet they’ve built a genuine friendship rooted in mutual respect. In their joint MasterClass on campaign strategy, they discuss not just winning elections, but understanding human nature, persuasion, and most importantly — each other. Watching them laugh and debate reminds us that disagreement doesn’t have to destroy connection. It can, in fact, deepen it.

The question is, how do we preserve our friendships in this climate? How do we hold on to the people we love, even when we don’t vote the same way? Can our emotions or theirs survive this hostile climate? If you’re tired of the division or afraid of losing people you care about, here’s a practical guide to building friendships that outlast polarization.

1. Remember: Your friend is more than a voter

It sounds obvious, but it’s easy to forget. Political identities have grown so all-encompassing that people feel defined by a single box they check every four years. But think about your closest friend. Is she only her ballot? Of course not.

She’s the person who remembers your birthday, who brings you coffee when you’re having a bad day, who may occasionally binge-watch reality TV with you until 1 a.m. That matters more than whether she checks “D” or “R” every fourth November.

It helps to ground yourself in the history of your friendship. Write down three moments where this person showed up for you. Anchor yourself in gratitude for those memories when politics threatens to overshadow them.

Practical tip: Next time you find yourself judging someone for their vote, pause and ask: If politics didn’t exist, would I still love this person? The answer is usually yes.

2. Separate ideas from identity

One of the biggest reasons political arguments get so heated is that we confuse disagreement on issues with rejection of the person. When someone disagrees with us, it can feel like they’re invalidating our values, our family, or even our dignity.

But here’s the thing: ideas are not identities. Your friend may hold a view you strongly oppose, but that doesn’t mean she is a bad person or incapable of growth. If you allow every disagreement to become personal, you’ll eventually have no friends left. And let’s not forget that our ideas are meant to develop over time as we gather new information and as situations change. 

Charlie Kirk often faced this dynamic on campuses: Students would accuse him of “hating” them simply because he disagreed with their politics. He argued that disagreement is not hatred, and friendship can exist even where ideas clash. That doesn’t mean we need to dilute our convictions, it means we need to be strong enough to separate people from positions.

Practical tip: In a heated discussion, instead of saying, “How can you believe that?!” try, “Help me understand what makes you feel strongly about this.” Curiosity disarms defensiveness and enriches perspectives.

3. Pick your moments (not every coffee date is a debate)

Some friendships fall apart simply because every hangout turns into a political fight. If you want a relationship to survive, you need to be intentional about when and how you discuss politics.

Think of it like this: Not every meal has to be Thanksgiving dinner. Sometimes you just need to go for a walk, watch a movie, or talk about your kids. Constant political talk drains the joy out of relationships.

This doesn’t mean you avoid hard topics forever. It just means you pace yourself and don’t lose sight of what matters. Choose moments when both of you are calm, rested, and genuinely open to listening; not when you’re tired, emotional, or scrolling headlines.

Practical tip: If a conversation starts heating up, it’s okay to say, “I love you too much to fight about this right now. Let’s come back to it later.”

4. Establish shared values

Even friends on opposite ends of the political spectrum often share core values. Maybe you both care about family, community, fairness, or faith. You may simply express those values differently in the voting booth.

Naming your shared values out loud can create a foundation to stand on. For example:

• “We both want a safer world for our kids.”
  
• “We both care about justice, even if we see it differently.”
  
• “We both want people to flourish.”

This doesn’t erase disagreements, but it shifts the tone from enemies to teammates with different strategies.

Practical tip: Next time you’re discussing an issue, try starting with what you both agree on. “We both want people to feel safe…” is a much easier place to begin than, “You’re wrong.”

5. Know when to walk away (temporarily, not permanently)

Some conversations will reach a dead end. That doesn’t mean the friendship is over, it just means you need space. Healthy relationships can withstand boundaries and not talking about certain topics can be a valid one. 

If you’ve been going in circles on a topic, say something like: “I respect you too much to keep arguing about this. Let’s give it a rest and enjoy each other’s company.”

Walking away doesn’t mean giving up. It means preserving the relationship for the long run. The people who stay in your life for decades will be the ones you choose to love even when they frustrate you.

6. Protect the humor

Laughter is the antidote to polarization. If you can laugh with someone, you can love them, no matter how you vote. Don’t let political tension drain the playfulness out of your relationships.

Find things you both enjoy. Anything from inside jokes to embarrassing stories. Sometimes, the healthiest thing you can do for your friendship is to share a coffee or a glass of wine and talk about anything but politics.

7. Model what you preach

Polarization thrives on echo chambers. One of the bravest things you can do is model friendship across differences. If you want a less divided world, start by showing that it’s possible in your own life.

Charlie Kirk’s campus events demonstrated this in real time: Even in the most hostile environments, students who stuck around to talk rather than storming out, often found common ground. It doesn’t mean they agree, but it means they’ve practiced staying human in their interactions with each other. 

Imagine if more of us did that in our daily lives.

Why preserving friendship matters more than ever

Friendship across differences isn’t just nice — it’s necessary. Research from Harvard University shows that close social connections are the single biggest predictor of health and happiness over time. Losing those ties over politics can literally shorten your life.

And beyond personal well-being, maintaining friendships across divides strengthens democracy itself. A society where people can disagree and still share meals, marriages, and communities is a society that’s resilient. A society where every disagreement ends a relationship is brittle and dangerously easy to control.

Human connection is bigger than politics

We’re living in a time where polarization feels inevitable. But history shows that human connection can outlast even the fiercest divisions. Our grandparents’ generation lived through world wars, cultural revolutions, and political assassinations, and largely managed to keep their families and friendships intact.

The choice is ours: Do we let politics become bigger than our love for each other, or do we build friendships strong enough to carry us through it?

I’m choosing the latter because friendship matters more than politics. The world needs fewer enemies and more people willing to say: “I love you, even when I don’t agree with you.”

That’s the kind of radical loyalty that heals polarization.