Cool aunt energy: Montessori tips for bonding with your nieces and nephews this holiday

We all want to be the cool aunt — to make our little nieces and nephews feel seen, appreciated, and understood. But making that connection happen can be a tall order, especially if you do not yet have children of your own. Kids grow and change so quickly that knowing the right thing to say can feel intimidating. Here are some ideas, inspired by Maria Montessori, to help you bond with your nieces and nephews in a developmentally informed way.

3 and under

Kids under 3 are what Maria Montessori would call an “absorbent sponge.” They are subconsciously soaking in all the world’s stimuli through their senses. They like sights, sounds, textures, and (if they’re crawling/walking) big movements.

Conversation starters: 

• Do you smell that cinnamon? What do you think Christmas smells like?
• Let’s feel this satin ribbon! What do you think of that crinkly wrapping paper?

Activity:

Explore outdoors in nature (as much as the weather will allow) and look for novel experiences. Look for crunchy leaves, fluffy snow, red cardinals, and dripping icicles. Ask what they notice, or just silently observe while they seek out their interests. Go at their pace and do not rush — so much is happening behind the scenes!

Ages 3-6

During this age range, kids are becoming more purposeful and desire greater independence. They want to engage in significant work and are proud of their accomplishments. Go beyond “good job!” Instead, ask open-ended questions that invite them to share their perspective with you.

Conversation starters:

• I see you drew that picture! Do you want to tell me about it?
• You used such bright colors. I like the purple. Which one do you like?
• I see you carrying that very carefully.
• I bet you can stomp in some big puddles with those boots!

Activity:

At this age, children do not want to be distracted or brushed aside. They want to make purposeful contributions to the household. Find ways to include them in the kitchen or with holiday chores. 

• Tear up bread for stuffing/breadcrumbs.
• Roll out pie crusts.
• Polish silverware/candlesticks.

Ages 6-9

These ages will feel distinctly different from children under age 6. Maria Montessori classified these ages under her second plane of development. These ages have flourishing imaginations and are more aware of social relationships. They have more capacity for abstraction and are seeking to understand the cause behind things, rather than only absorbing facts and sensory experiences.

Conversation starters:

• If you were a color, what color would you be?
• What do you like to learn about?

Activity:

• Choose a topic of their interest and “research” together with some library books.
• Read aloud an adventure story (The Hobbit, Chronicles of Narnia, Robin Hood) and then act it out with imaginary play.

Ages 9-12

This preteen age can feel particularly challenging for connection as they are grappling with bigger questions of morality and increased intellectual independence. Children in this age group may prefer parallel sharing that invites them into a conversation rather than being asked direct questions.

Conversation starters:

• When I was your age, I loved to do ___ after school. What do you enjoy after school?
• When I was in middle school, the most popular kid was ____. Everyone thought she was cool because____, but I thought _____.
• If you had your own shop, what would you sell/create?
• Who is your closest friend right now, and what do you like about them?

Activity:

• Agree on a book ahead of time and discuss some of the main themes together (Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, A Wrinkle in Time, The Secret Garden). Ask some of the bigger questions like “Do you think ___ was right or wrong in that action?”, “Do you think the main character was a hero? Why or why not?”
• Give them real responsibility and let them take charge of planning something. This can be anything from choosing a recipe and creating a shopping list to planning a fun day out where you give them a set budget and they get to choose how you both spend it.