Jealousy vs. envy and how to conquer them both

By Rachael Killackey

Published on January 27, 2025

Have you ever experienced sadness or annoyance when someone, or multiple people, share that they’re achieving a milestone you desire, or have something you wish you did? Engagements, work promotions, and baby announcements galore can certainly overload us with a sense of missing out. 

But when we suffer because of the joy of others, the real enemy isn’t their successes – it’s our envy. 

Making a distinction

It’s easy to conflate the vices of jealousy and envy, thinking that both are a desire to possess something someone else has, even at a cost to them, or to protect something you possess – that’s a working definition of jealousy, to be sure. 

Both vices are rampant in our over-consuming, self-promoting culture, but they are in fact distinct and have different effects. Why is this important? Because conquering jealousy requires different techniques that overcome envy.

How to tame your pet envy

St. Thomas Aquinas simply defined envy as “sorrow for another’s good.” 

When we are envious of someone, we’re discouraged about the state of our lives based on the good they might be experiencing. This isn’t the same as goods in another’s life reminding us of places of pain in ours – for instance, if you are suffering from infertility, it’s not envy for you to be reminded of that suffering when a friend shares that she’s pregnant. 

But to then wonder “why her and not me?” is when we bridge into envy. 

Some scholars also suggest that envy can work in the opposite direction–we can also rejoice over someone’s misfortune. We’re particularly susceptible to this with people who have caused us pain or irritation.

Envy, in a sense, is far more accessible to us here in the age of social media than to people of ages past. 

If we’re finding we’re prone to envy, we can adopt the “ad contra” rule St. Ignatius of Loyola regularly suggested for spiritual growth. In order to “act against” envy, we must first make an act of gratitude. What is sparking your envy? What lack in your life is it pointing to? You can begin combating envy by thanking God for what you do have, and even for the areas in your life where you lack or are suffering. 

This is no easy thing to do, and takes regular repetition in order to become a habit. You can also make an act of gratitude that the person you’re envying has received such a good, even if it’s one you desire for yourself. If you’re rejoicing over someone’s misfortune, praying for them is another first step to overcoming envy.

How to jilt your jealousy

When we’re experiencing jealousy, we tend to think – or fear – that someone is robbing us of something we have. For example, if a coworker is consulted on a matter that you oversaw regularly in the past, you may become jealous if you want to take that opportunity back from your coworker. 

The key difference between envy and jealousy is that envy is primarily a disordered sadness or rejoicing over someone’s good or ill, rather than desiring the good of others as we’re asked to, by virtue of Christian charity. Jealousy is, again, far more about possessing something and clutching onto it, even at the cost of another’s good (think hoarding). 

Combating jealousy is more about humility and detachment than gratitude. In order to overcome jealousy, we have to live with “open hands,” willingly giving what the Lord takes. This doesn’t mean we don’t act with confidence or defend ourselves against injustices, but rather that we humbly accept when another person receives a good that we would particularly like to possess. 

Perhaps, we find that in sharing the good, it’s even multiplied.

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